Find Your Person

Lagos. A busy city, with a different description for every single person who has walked the streets. Uduak often figured that if someone asked her to describe Lagos, she would ask them first, for who? For Uduak, as a child under the protection of her family, for a teenager who felt nobody understood the peculiar problems she had, for a young adult who felt like she knew and deserved the world or for a 31-year-old Manager at one of the top international companies in Lagos. For every different version of Uduak, there was a different description of Lagos but as she sat and tried to have yet another failed date with a guy who just wouldn’t shut up about his life, the only description that went through her mind was ‘An emergency’.

If she was being honest, dating only became a priority about 2 years ago when she was promoted to a manager at her firm. Before that, she had focused mostly on work because from all the intel she gathered, dating in Lagos was nothing but a mad joke. Her decision to join the gang of ‘single and searching’ in Lagos, was prompted by an emotional breakdown caused by a series of small events on a Friday evening. Nobody could ever catch Uduak between Monday to Friday at a lounge, bar or club. Truth be told, you probably wouldn’t catch her at a restaurant eating because she considered that too waste of precious time. So, on Fridays, she partied hard.

On this particular Friday, she got back from work around 9 pm, had dinner and decided to take a shower. As the hot water washed away the worries of a tough week and filled her with all the excitement she would need when she saw her girls at Sip, she wondered what she would wear and settled on her short pink sheer dress and her gold strappy sandals. She figured that look would go well with her straight honey blonde wig and her Chanel clutch. She stepped out of the shower, sprayed some deodorant as she admired her beautiful room.

“Money is good.” The words slipped out of her lips. She smiled as she remembered the exact moment she came across a room that looked exactly like hers in a magazine 10 years ago. At that moment, she did not know how but she knew she wanted to stay in a room exactly like that. She started applying her makeup, keeping it simple. When she was done she walked to her closet to pick her dress.

The moment she stepped out from her door, her gateman exclaimed;

“Ah, madam na you be this?! Today today, you go find husband!”.

His snide comments about Uduak’s romantic life were normally irritating but within herself, she recognized a feeling of hope instead of annoyance and smiled. She stepped into her car, drove out of the compound and within minutes, she was at Sip. The first annoying incident of the night was the Benz that scratched her car in an attempt to rush through the gates like a typical Lagosian. In situations like this, Uduak was normally calm but she had just bought the 2019 Corolla and this Benz was 2006 at best so she stepped out guns blazing

“What kind of nonsense is this, can’t you relax?” She yelled as she inspected the minor dent.

The white Benz was obviously in the wrong as it was obvious from the red paint on the side.

“Shey you dey whine me ni? You carry person Corolla come scratch my Benz. I have been wan even free you sef, you come dey shine eye dey follow me drag. Omo call the person wey get this car make him pay me!” The driver yelled right back at her.

She was determined to make him pay had it not been the security that cut her in her track.

“So sorry ma, he is probably under the influence please”.

Her first thought was to educate him on how he was helping this man oppress other women but it was meant to be a good night.

The bouncers at Lagos clubs are normally as rude as they can be to women but the guys at Sip were even more condescending than usual.

“Madam, who are you with?” He yelled. Almost like he didn’t notice her original designer bag and her car keys dangling on her well-manicured fingers. One thing Uduak knew was, Lagos would embarrass you if you tried to go against the status quo. She brought out her 11 Pro Max and called her friends to pick her up.

The night was as Lagosians would call it, ‘Turnt’- drinks, loud music, lots of dancing. When Uduak was all partied out and ready to leave sometime around 3 am, she bid her girls goodnight and walked to her car. As she pressed the open button on the remote control, a hand grabbed her and whispered;

“You look like one of the expensive ones, I’m willing to do 300.” A complete stranger offering her sex for money.

Her initial instinct was to slap him but a louder instinct that occupied her entire being was fear so she laughed. “Make it 400 and we have a deal.” He chuckled and let go of her arm.

“Let me get something from the car and we would be on our way. Pay before service oh!” She uttered these words as she smiled and gathered all the sexiness her body granted her. When she got to her car, she pushed the button and drove off- mostly, still very afraid.

She walked into her room tired. Took off her heels and as she attempted to take off her dress, the zip wouldn’t budge. She tugged and pulled but it just wouldn’t come off and before long the tears started rolling down. She stormed into the kitchen, picked up a pair of scissors and started cutting through the 40 thousand Naira dress.

“Shey if I had a man he would pull off this dress for me. If I had a man, would that useless gateman be talking to me? If I was at the club with someone beside me would that rubbish bouncer stop me or would that yahoo boy in a 1996 Benz be talking to me anyhow-?” The subtle sobs soon turned to loud cries and once she was done cutting the dress off her, she immediately fell asleep.

When she started dating it was new. She would get dressed to meet someone a friend matched her with, only to find out he was married. She would ask well-to-do looking men, who claimed to work in competitive consulting firms, to her house and wake up to jewellery missing.

A funny one was the guy who tried to buy her attention with the wealth he didn’t have. Lagosians describe that as ‘Audio Money’. He would promise her gifts she didn’t need or ask for and always had an excuse when they didn’t show up. Sometimes, she would meet the same guy on two different occasions and he would have a different identity.

Once while grocery shopping, she got approached by a married couple.

“Femi honestly can’t stop looking at you, I’m his wife and I completely understand why.” She said as she stretched out her hands and displayed the most beautiful dentition Uduak had ever seen.

“I understand the initial shock of that statement but how about we have dinner today and we make things a lot less shocking.”

Uduak didn’t tell many people that story when she lamented about her dating experience in Lagos but when she did, she always mentioned that sleeping with an open couple was one of the best experiences of her life.

The first ‘normal guy’ she met was when she was getting her pedicure. The conversation was fluent, he was quite funny, had a subtle Efik accent that she considered quite sexy. He wasn’t tall but at 5ft 4 inches, height wasn’t top of her list. He looked fit and he was having a pedicure too so that was a massive plus. He worked at a bank and telling by his car, age and the bank in question, she guessed she earned significantly more than him but that was not an issue to her. As time went on, she would notice that when they discussed work, he would make comments like

“Consultants actually think they do so much work but people like us truly execute.” or “Babes when you say you’ve been working hard all day, is it more than just calls and stuff?” The relationship did not last long.

Patrick was another person who seemed normal. CEO of one of the FinTech companies in Lagos that were actually doing well, a constant traveller, recognized tech bro and overall, a very good looking young man. However, when he talked about himself, which he did quite a lot, it was with so much gusto. This was not a big deal except it was highly disproportionate to the size of his manhood.

After all these years, dating in this city as she looked at this man who she had met at Church after choosing celibacy and regular worship sessions. She was so sure that she had seen it all and dating in Lagos was not for her.

“I want to pick something from my car, I won’t be coming back.” She grabbed her bag, put on her sunglasses and walked out of the bakery where they were having lunch. She got into her car, brought out her phone and typed a response to the email. Acceptance for the job she had been offered in Dubai.

“Thank you so much for the opportunity Diane, I would begin processing my papers immediately.” She figured leaving the country would be a good idea as her current description of Lagos was, ‘a city with no love left to give’.

She might as well give other countries a chance.